demanding queen

Do It for Me

For over three years now, I have been helping individuals manage unexpected job transition. I love the variety of people I speak to and the different goals and challenges they have in defining and creating what they want next in their professions and lives. One type of candidate, however, always makes me sad.

These individuals are angry that the services they are receiving (for free mind you) are not doing all the work for them. They expect their resume and cover letters to be written for them. They expect me to search and apply for positions in their name. And they are REALLY angry that things are not being done for them.

demanding queen
Photo by Alice Alinari on Unsplash

Part of me laughs. How can you expect me to write your resume when I don’t know your professional history and accomplishments? Do you want me to go on the interview for you too?! Then I wonder, if you can’t get the will power to look and apply for positions, are you going to have the initiative to actually perform the position once you have it?

Most of the time however, I am sad. These candidates are so angry and are only making the issue worse. Yes, they were laid off. It is a horrible situation to be in, especially, if it comes without warning and if the family is already having financial or medical issues. But avoiding pain by putting the onus and unreasonable expectations on others, holding on to resentment, and not making any effort of their own, only creates more problems.

Blaming / Attacking Others

The first thing I see are individuals who want to blame everyone else for their problems. My manager was a jerk! This was total ageism! Why aren’t you writing my cover letter for me? You are supposed to get me my next job, where is it? In Rising Strong, Brené Brown calls this Bouncing Hurt. “The ego likes blaming, finding fault, making excuses, inflicting payback, and lashing out, all of which are ultimate forms of self-protection.” These candidates are hurt and instead of addressing their anger, fear, and sadness, they attack those around them.

Sitting in Resentment

When we are angry, it is ok to feel that emotion. Journal about it. Explore the stories about why we were hurt. Emotions are great tools for helping us understand what is working and what is not in our life. But we are not meant to sit in the emotions forever. Feel them, explore them, then release them. Holding on to the anger and resentment only creates more anger and resentment. We experience what we focus on so the more we focus on the bad experience, the more our life is unhappy.

Make an Effort

Stop waiting for the situation to change or for someone else to rescue you. What can you do right now to make your situation even a little bit better?  We are often blocked in making an effort because it means we have to stop blaming others and take responsibility for our lives. Have the courage to move past the pain and into action.

Life can be difficult. We experience disappointments, sudden losses, and heartbreak. It happens. We can not control what happens, but we can change how we react to things. Be aware of holding on to your anger, blaming others, or expecting someone else to fix what is wrong. Our lives become amazing when we step up, accept responsibility, and take even a little action toward what is better for us.

Comments (2)

  1. Juliette
    March 19, 2019

    This article resonated with me this morning.

    My husband and I relocated to Coastal Maine for all the right reasons, but it has turned out to be less than ideal.

    We have to own the emotional, physical and financial drain we are experiencing. Giant Error! We didn’t do our due diligence before making such a life-altering change. The only way I can soothe our grief is by putting one foot in front of the other, as rapidly as possible, to move to a state which will be more suitable for our needs and lifestyle.

    What I noticed within myself was my incessant whining over how unhappy I am living here. People, especially those who live here and love it don’t want to hear my insults. My family and friends are tired of hearing all the negativity I thrust upon them about my situation.

    I decided to help myself by resuming a daily practice of meditation, with a Muse meditation device (Highly Recommend) to scale down stress and move forward with grace dignity to our next adventure.

    • Melissa Heisler
      March 20, 2019

      Juliette, I am sorry that the move did not turn out to be what you hoped it would be. When we are upset, many of us seek to blame the other – in your case complaining about the area – to make ourselves feel better. But it doesn’t. Focus on what you do want, not on what you don’t. Continue to meditate and put one foot in front of the other. In time you will see why you took this detour and how it helped you. Hang in there!

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